In one of my previous posts, I talked about why classic “ten-step” lists for quitting smoking, overeating, or procrastinating often don’t work. Not because they’re wrong or pointless, but because they mostly appeal to the conscious part of a person – willpower, discipline, and logic.
It's advice that most people already know: more self-control, more discipline, changing habits, avoiding triggers. If this really worked, most people would have made the change a long time ago.
The problem lies elsewhere.
Behaviors are not conscious – they originate from the subconscious
The behaviors that keep us in vicious cycles are not a conscious choice. They stem from subconscious programs that were formed in the past – often in childhood, adolescence, or even later.
These programs once served an important function. They protected us in some way, helped us survive or adapt. They made sense at the time.
But today they are hindering us.
When we approach change only with conscious “steps,” we are really attacking the symptom—not the cause. And so we often find ourselves in a recurring cycle of failure.
The right start: investigating the cause
The first step to lasting change is realizing that the behavior itself is not the problem.
Food, cigarettes, or procrastination are not the real problem – they are just symptoms of something deeper.
Once we understand this, we can begin to focus on the real cause.
Step 1: What does habit actually regulate?
Every habit has a function.
The question is not “why am I doing this?” but:
- What does this behavior allow me to do?
- When does it appear?
- Do I use it when I am under pressure, stressed or tense?
Habit often serves as a way of regulating the internal state.
Step 2: Identifying triggers in the body
It's not just about external circumstances.
The key question is:
- What happens inside me just before the impulse occurs?
These are physical sensations, tensions, and internal movements that trigger an automatic response.
Step 3: Capture the moment before it becomes automatic
An important turning point occurs when we manage to perceive that moment just before the behavior.
That moment:
- when we reach for food,
- when we light a cigarette,
- when we already slip into an old pattern.
This micro-space between impulse and reaction is key to change.
Step 4: What emotion is behind the habit?
Every habit regulates or suppresses something.
It could be:
- the anger we don't allow ourselves to feel,
- sadness that is difficult to express,
- the fear that we cannot process,
- feeling lonely or rejected.
Instead of experiencing these emotions, we often “redirect” them into behavior.
Step 5: What need remains unexpressed?
Behind every behavior is an unfulfilled need.
Questions we can ask ourselves:
- Is someone crossing my boundaries and I don't set them?
- Do I need rest but I'm not allowing myself to?
- Do I miss closeness, safety, acceptance?
Habits often replace what we don't allow ourselves to express.
Step 6: Internal messages from the past
Much of our responses are based on internalized messages such as:
- “Be diligent.”
- “Don’t complicate things.”
- “Don’t be too much.”
- “Don’t show emotions.”
These so-called "script messages" are created through growing up and later act in the background as invisible guides of our behavior.
Step 7: Adhering to these programs
It is crucial that we do not treat these programs as enemies.
They once protected us.
They're not bad – but they're outdated.
When we begin to respect them and understand their function, we can separate ourselves from them without internal conflict.
Step 8: Creating a new regulation
Change doesn't happen by will.
It happens when we create new ways of regulating:
- through a feeling of safety in the body,
- through new subconscious connections,
- through a different attitude towards oneself.
It is about developing new pathways that serve the same purpose (regulation) but do not create harmful symptoms.
Step 9: Permission for new identity
The change is not just behavioral – it is identity.
It's not about "trying to be different," but about allowing myself to become a person who lives differently.
This requires internal permission.
Step 10: Repeat and consolidate
The subconscious needs new evidence.
Therefore, the process is:
- repetition,
- research,
- consolidating new experiences.
Over time, the subconscious accepts that the new way is safe – and the change becomes permanent.
When we can't do it ourselves
Sometimes we get stuck in the process. And that's normal.
If any of the steps is too challenging, it makes sense to allow yourself help – someone you trust and can guide you through the process.
If you feel that such an approach would benefit you, you can also contact me and we can start exploring further together.
Lasting change doesn't start with discipline.
It starts with understanding.